Friday, September 21, 2012

2 week miscarriage update

I feel like I need to report on how I’ve been doing since the D&C.  You can read about the miscarriage by clicking here  It helps me to write and some of my readers may be curious, so I am writing.

Immediately following the D&C I felt relieved to be done with the miscarriage.  I felt like I needed that part to be over so I could begin the healing process.  Physically I felt great after the procedure besides having a bad headache from the anesthesia, however the next few days my body felt stiff and sore and I found out that it was a side effect from the anesthesia.  It felt like I was bruised on the inside from my face to my legs.  My throat also hurt from the breathing tube.  Those next few days were hard.  I couldn’t do a whole lot without my body hurting and I really couldn’t even cry because it hurt my face, throat, and neck to cry.  I was so sad that I lost my baby, but I think in some ways because everything happened so fast I was still kind of numb and in shock that it had happened.  It took some time to process everything, but once it really settled in I had some days that I would cry, and I mean cry!  I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t.  I felt lonely, broken, and empty.  For about the next week and a half there were many nights I would wake up with tears already falling on my cheeks.  I felt like I was just faking it through the day.  Some days weren’t too bad.  I felt like things were just falling back into place.  I was keeping myself busy with kids and housework, so I really didn’t have a lot of time to think about what all had happened in such a short amount of time.  However, the evenings were hard.  Once the kids were in bed and Chris was at work I was alone.  Honestly I felt abandoned somehow.  I know that I hadn’t been abandoned.  I got cards in the mail; I had friends bring me flowers and food.  But still when I was alone in the evenings I wasn’t sure what to do or how to cope.  I didn’t want to do anything!  I just wanted someone to sit with me and hold my hand while I cried.  Each day was a little easier and each day I seemed to cry a little less, but I still just felt sad and depressed a lot of the time.  I also felt so weak and fatigued, which probably had a little bit to do with the fact that I was slightly anemic after the procedure.  By 5pm most days I was ready to just sit and do nothing for the night, but that was not an option.  I hated myself for feeling that way.  I felt like I was not being a good mom or wife.  Somehow I was able to muster up enough energy to get through the evening.  I was able to feed my kids, bathe them, and tuck them into bed.  Every morning I managed to get up and help my kids get ready for the day.  I remember a lot of mornings smiling in the mirror to see how real it looked.  I felt like I had to take a deep breath and put on my happy face before leaving the bathroom each morning.  I believed that God had a plan for our family, but I remember just wondering and wishing I knew where He was leading and what I was supposed to learn from all of this.  I was grateful for my faith.  I couldn’t imagine going through something like this without God to get me through.  Some of the things that would bring me to tears were realizing that I could eat certain foods or smell certain things and I no longer felt nauseous.  Or going into the storage room and seeing my pile of baby things just waiting to be used and realizing that I would not need them.  After losing my baby I had a new outlook on life in some ways.  I felt such love for my children.  Not that I didn’t love them before, but I just felt like I wanted to hold onto them for fear of losing them too.  I had a new gratefulness for the things that we have.  Maybe we don’t have the perfect house or the perfect life, but we have a lot to be thankful for.  I felt like I needed to learn to better appreciate the things I have and to learn to be more content with what God has given us.  Some days I just wished that I could stop being sad.  I actually felt guilty and foolish for grieving over the loss of this baby that I never got to hold or know.  I felt like I had no right to be so sad when I know that there are parents who have multiple losses and long for just one baby to hold and to love!  I knew that there were parents who lose children that are any of my other kid’s ages.  I couldn’t even imagine losing my living children and I felt like I just needed to stop being sad, because at least I did have four healthy children!  But I still was sad.  I may not have really known my baby, but I still had plans and dreams of what my baby might be like and look like and I loved my baby.  It was a part of me and I knew that I would have done anything I could to protect my baby.  Some days I actually wished that I had some physical pain, so I could come up with an excuse to stay in bed and not face the day.  I felt like if I had physical pain then no one would criticize me for the tears.  I don’t think anyone actually criticized me, I think I was criticizing myself.  But every day I just kept on going.  I knew if I let myself dwell on that feeling of depression and loneliness then it would be that much harder for me to get back to a normal routine.  I didn’t feel like things would ever be normal again, but getting back to routine helped me and knowing that God is faithful and He never changes helped me to realize that I could heal from this and start to move on with my life.  One thing that really helped me was to get outside for a little while every day.  I would take walks in the morning with my kids and water the plants around the house.  We took drives around town and one day we went to my parent's house to spend the day with my mom.

Honestly I have gotten to a place of feeling peace about the passing of the baby.  I am still sad, but it is not an overwhelming sadness.  I am sure that I will still shed a few tears from time to time, but I do believe that God is in control and that He has plans for our family and for our future.  It might sound strange, but I feel grateful and blessed to have been through this experience.  I never thought I would say that, but it’s the truth.  I now know and understand and can relate to so many other women and friends that have been through a miscarriage and I pray that I can be a help to others in the future.  Of course I wish that no woman would ever have to suffer the loss of their unborn child, but I do hope that I can be a help and comfort to others in the future.  I really never would have thought that I would be saying these things when I found out that my baby’s heart had stopped beating on August 30th 2012.  I know that I have had a lot of people praying for me and I am grateful to them!  I truly believe that those prayers were a great help in getting me to this place and feeling of peace.


  1. Oh Liv, I am so sorry for your loss and sadness. The sadness is to be expected and it's okay to cry. It's okay that we don't understand God's plan… I pray that as you continue to heal and rest in the Lord, you would be pulled closer to Him.
    I love you!

  2. I'm so glad you're writing all this out. It is a process to heal! It takes time, and I think I might have said this before, this baby will always be a part of you. You, out of anyone else, will remember this baby the most. Dads have hopes and dreams too, yes, but from my experience and others' they move on sooner and remember in different ways. Not that we can fault them for that. We are the ones who felt the physical changes with the pregnancy, who felt more of a bond at this stage. When you brought up the abandoned feeling, that hit home to what I felt with my first one. This was the pregnancy before Hayley, when we had decided to start having kids. I was 6 weeks along, and Jeremy was gone for the first time in our marriage--for a week! And we only talked once that week, and I couldn't tell him then, not when he couldn't do anything about it. It was a very lonely time. I felt like I dealt with it well, as I always assumed a miscarriage was a very real possibility as my mom had had three, but ya, it would have been nice just to have a friend sit with me. I don't think I even called any family to tell them, as I didn't want them to know before Jeremy... and I was supposed to be looking for a job. It was pretty depressing. But God sustains. I don't know how people deal with things without Him either! It's ok to feel sad, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. Every child is a life, a gift from God. You seem to be doing well though. And ya, I can totally relate to the changed perspective on life. Suddenly a lot of things don't seem as important anymore. I remember the first time I hugged Hayley after I delivered Taylor; I wanted to hang onto her for forever! And I think going through trials together does bond a family closer, even though every member heals at a different pace. You've been on my mind a lot lately. I'm sad you had to go through this; like you I wish no one did! Something that has helped me is picturing them in the arms of Jesus.

  3. Been thinking of you and praying for you Olivia!

  4. Mom, thank you for your words. I don't know quite how to explain it, but the sadness has changed. I am still sad, but I am not so ~ desperate ~ is the only word I can think of to explain it. In the beginning when it was all so new and fresh I just felt like I was in the "depths of despair" to use an Anne of Green Gables quote. I don't know what all of the stages of grieving were, but I think maybe it was kind of that denial. I didn't want to believe it was true, but I knew that it was and I had to come to terms with that in my heart and in my mind. The cleansing tears are good and God is good. I definitely think that I am learning more to lean on Him with this experience.

  5. Joanne, it was so helpful for me when I was going through the miscarriage to read other mom's experiences and so part of the reason I wrote this is because I hope and pray I can be a help to others in the future. Also it does help me in the healing process to write it and get all those thoughts and feelings out rather than holding them inside. I agree that this baby will always be a part of me and I am sure there will be tears in years to come, but I am glad that at least right now I am at peace with the passing of the baby. I am so sorry that you have lost babies also, and I just can't even imagine having to go through it alone. I am glad that you understood what I meant by that feeling of abandonment. I knew that I hadn't been abandoned, but there were just those times and moments where I felt so alone and I just wished someone was here with me. You are right, God does sustain and he never leaves us! I do hope and pray that this experience has made Chris and I closer. He has been very good to me and let me talk when I need to talk and cry when I need to cry. He started taking over the grocery shopping and just doing those little things when I just didn't feel like doing anything! I am thankful that I am finally feeling "normal" again.

  6. Thank you Katie for the thoughts and prayers! You are a sweet Sister is Christ ♥

  7. Thank you for sharing these deep feelings and thoughts with us. It helps me to understand it a tiny bit better. I love you.

  8. Love you too Tab! Thanks for reading :)

  9. Words don't go far enough in times of grief, but we know God is faithful
    in the depths: "He will command His lovingkindness…"

    "Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
    All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

    The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
    And His song will be with me in the night,
    A prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7,8